Fearing default, Russia issues new currency

Shock move sees Rouble recalled.

Faced with the prospect of defaulting on its US-denominated loans, and rebuffed when it suggested making its payments in a Rouble fast becoming worthless, Russia has issued a new currency – the Rubble.

Announcing the issue of the Rubble, a spokesman for the Central Bank of Russia commented, ‘Let’s face it, we’ve got plenty of it, and we’re making more every day. And at the rate the Rouble was going, it’s hard to see the Rubble being a worse bet in the long run. At least, given a reasonable supply of cement, you can build stuff with it, something that could not be said of its predecessor.’ He called on Russians in possession of Roubles to change them into Rubbles as soon as possible, so that that the redeemed banknotes can be sent to Russian forces in the field, who are believed to be soiling themselves in their thousands, and running critically short of lavatory paper. ‘It’s a win-win solution for us’, the spokesman added.

International observers have cast doubt on the viability of the Rubble, citing problems with its fungibility, and Its tendency to be contaminated by the remains of dead Ukrainians. However, the Kremlin was undeterred, stating ‘We are confident that as the Rubble beds in, these problems will be sorted out. And Sleepy Joe seems to be declining faster than the old Rouble, so we’re crossing our fingers that he won’t notice the switch.’

Kamala Harris is 12.

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